I’m not really comfortable talking about it. I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to be remembered I suffer from it. I can’t run away, I can’t hide. The shadow is always there. It follows me, everywhere I go. It was present when I got married. When I had my kids, when I was on vacation. Every happy moment in the last years was tainted by it.
You might ask, what is the it? I’ll tell you. It’s depression. I know it’s something a lot of people suffer from, but this knowledge doesn’t make it easier.
I didn’t even realize when it started. I don’t know what caused it. If there’s a reason. I don’t think so. As long as I remember, I’ve been feeling down, my emotions muted. I was never truly happy. But, on the other hand, I was rarely truly sad as well. I was feeling down, yes. I was sad. Of course. But even when my dad died, I was devastated, but not for long. Then the layer of fog, which clouded my emotions, was back.
I didn’t realize it was a depression. I thought it was normal. I did my work, I got out of bed in the morning, I did what I needed to do. Until I stopped sleeping. I used to go to bed at nine, since I was too tired to keep my eyes open. Then, I was awake until four or five in the morning, only to get up at six. My days were completely wasted since I could barely function.
This was when I decided I needed help. I called a doctor, telling her about my insomnia and, what I thought was a depression. I got meds, some which help with sleeping and depression. The first weeks were hell since these things make it worse for a few days before they kick in. And believe me, I was miserable. I couldn’t stand myself.
And then, suddenly, I got better. I caught myself laughing with my husband. My mood improved a lot. And I wished I’d taken the step much, much earlier. I lost so much time since I couldn’t enjoy the days, the moments with my family, with me readers, with my friends.
Now, I’m back on top. My productivity is through the roof, and I’m having so much fun with writing, it’s frightening. My marriage is stronger than ever. My kids more relaxed since I’m not so moody anymore (I tried to keep it together with them around, but I’m only human). I loved meeting new people at Euro Pride Con (and I was really afraid of big crowds before). I love hanging out with friends on facebook or other social networks. I’m stronger than ever. And I’m feeling awesome!
Why am I telling you all this? Because I know how hard it is to take the step and get help. You don’t want to acknowledge you’re suffering from depression. BUT, you can get better. There are meds. There is help. Please, do yourself a favor, and get help. I wouldn’t have thought it, but life is so beautiful.